House of Mousecakes 

Cuisine: Cretaceous
Litterbox cleanliness: don't ask 
Reservations: Yeah, right
Toilet water license: no
No-catnip section: no
Price: $$$

Why would a cat spend $6.95 on a short stack of buttermilk mousecakes, when they can have their human valets cook them for free? Because truly great mousecakes contain actual mousemeat, and humans are too wimpy to use the delicacy in their own cooking.

Enter the House of Mousecakes, open 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Granted, the food's not great. And it's overpriced. And you sometimes have to wait 3 hours for a table.

Ah, but the calories. It's not that mousecakes contain lots of fat. It's that the waitstaff brings giant paper cups filled with butter to paint on the vittles. Also, you get your choice of 12 syrups in flavors ranging from trash and giblets to sardine bones.

Better than the food, however, is the bottomless pot of catnip tea that accompanies every order. And the waitstaff will be pleased to bring you endless cartons of thick, real cream (which even tastes good once the catnip tea is finally all gone).

Even though the waitstaff demonstrated the greatest degree of incompetence and arrogance we'd ever experienced, we still felt compelled to leave our server a hefty tip. After all, although it took us only 10 minutes to consume our meal, we spent 3.75 hours at the House of Mousecakes. And, all that time, our server worked at chatting with her colleagues, spitting into patrons' dishes, and tapping cigarette butts onto diners' laps. We felt all that time and energy deserved rich compensation. Besides, we knew we were never going back to the House of Mousecakes, so we figured: what the heck. Let the record show we were as generous as we were nauseated by our dining experience.


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