Personality: Philosopher cat. Spends his time contemplating the feline condition. Gentle and wise — and out to lunch.

Parents: Being and Nothingness.

Favorite TV Show: Furry Springer.

Favorite Book: Zen and the Art of Litterbox Maintenance.

Favorite Toy: Philosopher's Stone.

Greatest Achievement: Meditated for five consecutive minutes without taking a nap.

Ultimate Fantasy: To transmute hairballs into gold.

Motto: We shed; therefore, we are.

Email: socratail@meowmail.com

Meet the columnists and sign-up today for your FREE subscription to "The Morning Hairball."